The Five Worst "News" Personalities In The World

1. Nancy Grace - The lone woman on the list, Grace is a social experiment for what happens when you bring a film crew into a mildly-retarded, meth-addicts Winnebago. You can't flip past CNN's Headline News without seeing her make-up caked mug, and infomercial-esque backdrop with the words "Where's Haleigh?" plastered across the screen. The two best words that sum up Grace are dumb and scary. In an interview with a post-traumatic teen, Elizabeth Smart, she repeatedly asks her inappropriate questions - "You were afraid I'm sure?", "Obviously you would've handled this better if you were an adult", "How did you see through that burka?" - even as a visibly upset Smart continuously asked her to stop. In 2006, Grace interviewed Melinda Duckett, baggering and accusing the barely responsive women of killing her missing son. The next day Duckett shot herself - which is exactly what I feel like doing every time I come across Grace. Simply the worst.


2. Bill O' Reilly - Everybody's favorite loofa-loving, pathological liar. The Fox Noise scumbag has done everything from threatening to beat-down Jeremy Glick, the son of a 9/11 victim, to more recently mocking and comparing respected 88-year-old journalist Helen Thomas to a wicked witch. He went on to add that there was little difference between Thomas asking the president a question, and his own mother. O'Reilly's favorite tactic is to yell at you for 10 minutes without a single fact to back himself up. Then as soon as the interview is over, and for the next several days, he'll say that you were unable to admit how unbelievably wrong you were, despite the overwhelming mountain of evidence he had against you. Though he's hard to take, one suspects he doesn't even believe half the vile he spews, it's about ratings and he knows how to get 'em. This alone keeps him from ranking higher on the list - that and the fact that the Oberman, Maddow team is consistently crushing him these days in the ratings war.

3. Glen Beck - Glen 'The End is Nigh' Beck constantly criticizes Global Warming as a scam while predicting that within five-years there will be an American Civil War led by armed, crackpot, militia men. Glen is so serious about this that he will sometimes show us his hands so we can see they are shaking, on-air. He reports that the military is well aware of the approaching meltdown, and that it is all being driven by Obama's desire to lead us down the path of Communism. Glen has admitted to a past riddled with drug abuse, and anyone brave enough to look into his coked-out, spooky eyes will find themselves reminded of being accosted on the street by wacked-out homeless people. While talking heads like O'Reilly are the kind you want to punch on instinct, Beck brings out the side of yourself that makes you want to run like Hell, followed by a scalding hot shower.

4. Shawn Hannity - Because Hannity is in the dark shadow of Papa Bear O'Reilly, he often has to act even more outrageous and depraved then his counterpart. Civilized conversation isn't in Hannity's repertoire, and he's gotten even more pathetic since both Obama was elected, and his whipping-boy, Colmes left the show. Despite his wildly hallucinogenic claim to be "Fair and Balanced," recent evidence has come to light that Fox has been using GOP talking points and passing them off as their own reporting. A surprise to absolutely no one.

5. Alan Colmes - Fox News' perfect idea of a liberal patsy. Colmes, who has been a whiny, badly-dressed, doormat for Hannity for years, has recently stricken out on his own to be a whiny, badly-dressed doormat for every future conservative guest to come on his show. Colmes is the kid in junior high who is so desperate to be cool that he'll let the jocks copy off his homework all day, while convincing himself that they shove him into lockers after school because they like him. He's been bitch-slapped by conservatives so many times, it's like watching Tyson in the ring with a handicapped child. It's this kind of pipsqueakery that gives liberalism a bad name.